Avoid coming a cropper this Christmas by obeying our seasonal ‘don’ts’ and entering 2017 with a certain schadenfreude…while others trod in the yuletide doggy dirt, you showed a clean pair of heels!
Don’t wear a Christmas jumper
I’m sorry, but when did they become so naff-chic? I’m blaming Colin Firth in Bridget Jones, who famously wore one to his parents’ Boxing Day party. While Mark Darcy was embarrassed, we English are busy dedicating entire days to this fashion frippery! Estate agents, CEOs and Heads of HR relishing their holly-encrusted, Rudolph-trimmed V-necks with post-ironic pride.
Humbug. Leave the Santa jumpers to pets and other cuteness sources, they are the only ones who can own the elf look. Trust me.
Don’t talk about work at the Christmas office party
Take your top off, do handstands to Lady Gaga, snog a kebab on the way home, but don’t talk shop or (worse still) start feeding back to your staff on areas for improvement through a haze of Tequila. There’s a time and a place, and right now, tackling Gary’s BO or Suzy’s faux posh voice to clients can only go one way. They’re off the leash. They’re feeling liberated. They will punch you.
Corny as they are, better stick to the jokes in your Christmas cracker.
Don’t try to be clever with the ‘Secret Santa’
You’ve never even spoken to Belinda from Payroll, so getting her that thing from Anne Summers was a real mistake.
Don’t go out on Christmas Eve
Do you really want to rise before dawn on Christmas morning with a hangover to wrap thirty individual stocking fillers for your darling 6-year-old niece, knowing that any moment she might appear and start asking awkward questions about Santa? No you do not. Staying indoors has its perks, I assure you.
Don’t begin a jigsaw puzzle on Christmas Day
It will take over. This seemingly innocent activity is actually more addictive than nicotine or Candy Crush and will soon have you relocating Christmas dinner (“sorry, the table’s off limits, let’s have it on our knees in the living room”). Later on, while others relax in front of the Queen’s speech or go out for a walk, you’re still manically constructing the 5000-piece fresco from Frozen, building to a fist-pumping climax after midnight when you wake the entire household with the cry, “Look it’s finished! Anna and Elsa on top of a mountain!” You have been warned.
Don’t return to work between Christmas and New Year
Your boss really sold this to you; “We just need someone there for insurance purposes…bring your Kindle and help yourself to the mince pies.” Unfortunately, most of your overseas clients don’t celebrate Christmas and around lunchtime on Boxing Day, a major outage in South East Asia suddenly provides you with a new job title…Head of Technical Support (Europe).
If you can’t really avoid working between the holidays, here’s a little comfort: those are the days when you can use the ENTERTAINER app, so at least there’s something… May you have a mishap-free Christmas!!